How's your married life going?

The most common question I receive recently

Ever since I got married in November, I've been asked by my girlfriends, "How did he propose? Was it hard for him to make up his mind?" Like me, many of my friends have been in the dating scene for a while, and a lot of them are still searching. I hardly have any friends who are married or have kids.

My marriage story turned out to be nothing like what I had assumed it would be in my 20s. I’d expected to find a soulmate, someone I’d been waiting for my whole life, who would treat me like a woman (where he pays for everything while I wear nice dresses and focus on my novels), and as long as I supported him and looked pretty, that would be enough for a happy life together. I believed that all our needs would be met and we would be perfectly in tune; what more could I ask for?

I wrote a story about the proposal and our bumpy road with my now-husband for Insider. I’ve never received as many friend requests as I did after the article was published. And I am by no means a relationship expert. Since the questions about my marriage kept coming, I decided to post another article here.

Half a year into marriage (and three years in this relationship), I can tell you there is nothing perfect (or easy) about having a happy relationship. Another disturbing thing is that it is actually good for us as it’s the only way for it to become a resource of growth.

I’m not sure if anyone ends up with something similar to what they envisioned in their 20s. First off, we are not the same people anymore. Secondly, we failed to consider the needs of the other person.

The idealized image of marriage, mixed with stereotypical notions of how families should function, is a harmful illusion. It's certainly strange to be with someone you don't love or care for, and not receive those feelings in return. But the reality is that you can't feel that love consistently. I am pretty convinced that when women express their desire to settle down but don't, it's because they are rejecting the fact that it won't always be perfect, just as the chosen partner won't match an ideal image. Love may help conceal this truth initially, but it won't hold up in the long run.

For my husband and me, marriage in our 30s meant making compromises and becoming aware of each other's limitations and barriers.

It has been a bumpy three-year ride, but I’m happy to admit we’ve made significant progress. Although we still have issues, we approach them differently, so they don't cause as much pain as they used to.

I say this cautiously because our progress is truly one of the most magical things that has happened in my life.

We made the decision to stay together, and each of us decided to change certain patterns for the sake of our relationship.

Now, onto the important part: what I attribute this progress to.

Once we got married, we saw a couple's therapist. Additionally, each of us had our own individual therapists at the time. I didn't believe that a couple's therapist could make a significant difference. Some people had told me that seeing a couple's therapist meant the relationship was already beyond repair (which I now know is not true!).

At first, I was afraid we lacked the motivation to fully engage in the therapy sessions. On the surface, it appeared we both understood our issues but were unwilling to address them. When we were in a difficult place, we often found ourselves trapped in a cycle of blaming each other. However, therapy helped us see each other from a different perspective, gain a better understanding of our needs, and become more tolerant of one another.

We also read a book for couples called "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix, which I highly recommend.

I have started reading another book that delves into extensive research on marriage, particularly on conflicts "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver.

The first book we read together. I would read one chapter and retell it to Max before going to bed, and another day, Max would do the same. Our therapist recommended this exercise as an idea for a 'mutual project.' I think it works especially well with relationship books because you both feel invested in it and are actively involved in the process.

This motivation to improve your relationship is the most important thing. I also believe it is crucial to look for someone who is consciously eager to work on themselves and is not averse to therapy. We all hope for easy things in life, especially when it comes to our home and love life (after all, where else are we going to relax?). But the truth is, there are no easy things unless you make them easy.

It's delightful to be with someone you love, but it's almost impossible to avoid hurting each other or getting into intense arguments. You need to prioritize and invest time, effort, and care into your love life, just as you would in your career.

Your relationship becomes the catalyst for personal growth, where both of you support each other's development. When viewed from this perspective, the work becomes less daunting, and starts to bring joy.

That, I suppose, is what they call a conscious, grown-up life.